Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
