first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
