his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
