You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
