hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
