you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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