When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
