my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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