How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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