how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
