I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
