Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I looked at my own cervix.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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