I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
