Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
