sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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