Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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