His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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