From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
