i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
