I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
