Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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