Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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