i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
