I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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