Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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