Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
