I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just want to make out with him forever
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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