singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
