You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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