I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
