That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
