ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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