I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
