I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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