why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
