Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
