you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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