I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
