The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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