i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
