Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
