how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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