im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
