The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
