I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
