I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
