I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
