4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
