Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
