I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
