That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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