Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
