The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
